Is There an Epidemic of Loneliness?
In which I consider if people are more lonely and what could be done about it. Also, I am absolutely not qualified to do this, but hear me out.
The stars seemed to have aligned on this topic. Not only was it “Blue Monday” two days before writing this, but a great reader suggested I listen to a podcast and talk about the apparent rise in loneliness. As if those two things weren’t enough, I’ve been reading the superb book from Jonathan Haidt called The Anxious Generation: How the Great Rewiring of Childhood Is Causing an Epidemic of Mental Illness. Maybe I can cleverly tie this back into technology. That shouldn’t be too difficult.
Is loneliness on the rise? My answer would be yes. Anecdotally, people I know appear to be more lonely than they ever were. It’s generally considered true that loneliness and negativity spreads faster than positivity. This, in spite of the fact that there are countless ways for people to connect by electronic means. What’s going on here? Are people, in general, just more angry? Perhaps.
The answer, in my estimation, is this shift to technological relationships. It’s what George in the podcast describes as parasocial relationships. This is the hallmark of what one might consider “mass” communication. It’s also the illusion that we somehow know a well-known person by their chosen means of communication. As humans have progressed technologically, they have become more adept at communicating “idealized” personalities, styles and body shapes. Think, the multiplexing of a kind of nutrient the body needs (Though, of course, until we get a Star Trek replicator that can’t happen with food). As humans, in-person interaction is required at all stages of our lives for our development.
Due to this shift, there have been a ton of byproducts. I talked about this in my book sample, but the The Online Disinhibition Effect has made people more bold, more aggressive, and more willing to walk away from relationships. And, as I mentioned, there is a sense that negativity and hypersexualization has drowned out many of these platforms because it appears feed our base needs. This, then, puts people into mental “defend” mode versus in “discover” mode. One might say this also connects directly to many of the “culture wars” we’ve been experiencing.
Where does it go? Think more lonely people. Think the movie Wall-E.
Don’t think so? We’re on the precipice of an explosion in products to keep people company. They’re called AI companions and can come in a ton of different forms from software, to personal robots to far more intimate companions (if you know what I mean). 2025 might be the year that machines become our friends.
The saturation of social media plays a role in the rise of loneliness too.
Jonathan Haidt very convincingly argues that social media’s biggest mental impacts with the rise of social media have been on adolescent girls. But, more than that, it’s clear that these disembodied relationships that have evolved from the 2010-ish rise of social media platforms has lead to serious levels of pulling back from real, in-person relationships. The following chart shows how this looks.
In very advanced, densely populated Asian countries, loneliness appears to be far more advanced than what we see in The West. The Japanese, for example, call it hikikomori, which means ‘turning inward.’ This describes people that have withdrawn so much that they’ve become hermits, only to emerge in the late hours when few people are around. For those that live with parents, they are so anxious that they dare no leave the room and food is placed outside the door for them.
What can we do? The first thing is get off Tik Tok and spend time with your friends! Actual, in-person time. Not on the phone. Technology cannot replace doing things with your friends. Haidt, in his book, talks about how boys tended to face the challenges of social media saturation better, psychologically, “…due to the fact that women are more emotionally expressive and more effective at communicating mood states within friendship pairs. When men get together, in contrast, they are more likely to do things together rather than talk about what they are feeling.”
The lessons here: Go outside. And, you don’t know me 😀.
But seriously, let’s get together more. Just do things. Hang out. Be with the people you care about and put down the smartphone.
Thanks for reading. I appreciate every one taking the time to read and suggest things I might write about. More than anything, I’ve been enjoying the process. So, thank you. If you know anyone that might be interested in this newsletter, please forward this to them or point them at writingitout.com.